For years, I believed in a cosmic vending machine. You put in your prayers, your good deeds, your unwavering faith, and out popped the desired outcome: a healed loved one, a landed dream job, a world free from strife. It felt logical, a system I could control. But then, the universe asserted its power until I gasped for air.

The loss of my 26-year-old son shattered the illusion of the cosmic vending machine, a wish dispenser. Grief, in its crushing honesty, revealed the illusion of my control. My desperate prayers richocheted off the heavens and went unanswered. My cosmic vending machine turned totally defective and inoperable.

My beautiful friend, Michelle, ever the optimist, saw things differently. A solid Christian woman, every morning, she told me after she became a sudden widow, she now prayed for one very important thing, actually a number of them, dozens, in fact: donuts. She prays for donuts! Not a grand plea. Small enough to grasp in your hand – and in your mind. The more I thought about it, the more I saw how the simple request symbolized something profound.

It took loss to understand the fundamental truth my friend embodied. I didn’t have to give up on my faith, only realize I wasn’t the one responsible for the weather that I had no control over from the get-go – but I could pack an umbrella – maybe one big enough that I could even sweetly share.

Just like the twelve steps of recovery teach, I learned to let go and let God (or the universe, a higher power, whatever resonates with you). In this way, the stress alleviated. I didn’t have to demand, only release myself to the mystery of life and surrender to the flow, whether it meant a gentle current of a river or a maelstrom in an ocean or sea.

Don’t get me wrong. My cosmic vending machine is still a very cool-looking device that is a fun fantasy. It’s a healthy escape, but not a blueprint of a reality. It’s different now. My words form donut prayers, always asking at the end for the strength to pick up the scattered crumbs on the counter.